Running out of room

My ovaries are starting to take up too much space in my body. And I have a lot of space.

Again, I forgot what this phase of stims feels like. How much pressure and pain you feel. The bloating. The gas! Oh the gas. Really? Did they have to throw that in the mix?

I now have 15 follicles between 1.0 and 1.8. My E2 was 2600 today - so it went up a bit, but I was prepared. I started the orgalutran yesterday and had it again this morning, and the E2 crashes the day after you add the org into the mix. So again, I'm crossing everything crossable (including my ovaries, at least that's how it feels) that tomorrow is the day my E2 finally decides to take a spike.

I asked today if we were in any danger of cancellation and was told that as long as it keeps going up and doesn't decrease or plateau tomorrow, we should be okay. So again, I'm running with that.

More stims tonight and tomorrow night, and if all goes according to this plan, retrieval would be Friday.

I really really really want to finish stimming tomorrow because otherwise, we have to buy more Gonal F, and that'll be killer. We can swing the org and the menopur etc, but more Gonal F would be a pain because of the way it's sold. Will I stim for an extra day, or two? Should I buy the 300 pen or the 450 (I'm on 225 a day)? I hate this part.

I'll be at the clinic every day this week, so am moving to shorter work days. I just am too uncomfortable to be there all day. And the fatigue! So this is a happy medium - finishing each day at 1:45pm so I can catch the 2:13 train to be home for just after 3. Then straight to the couch.

I feel like I'm being uber whiney and janey complainy lately, but ugh. It's just not a nice overall feeling knowing exactly where in my body my ovaries are.

Of course I'm delighted to even have this chance again, so no more complaining. For today. It's almost time to take my shots and go to bed anyway. :)

I'll take what I can get

The seemingly never ending estrogen saga continues.

Better results today - from 1389 yesterday to 2154 today. So that's a good thing. I'm holding on to that, playing the glass half full girl. Doing my best to not stress it and to just ride it out.

The clinic was a zoo this morning! I set my alarm for 10 minutes later this morning than yesterday (because in my world, ten minutes most certainly does count) and managed to get there right at 7am when they opened. Too bad the ultrasound and blood technicians weren't so punctual! U/S lady arrived at 7:15 and blood tech lady 7:25. And the waiting room was full to capacity of none too happy people. Boo-urns.

Had one of the more painful ultrasounds of my infertility career today too. She was poking and prodding and twisting like nobody's business! I was wincing and trying to not freak out at her until she finally realized that she was hurting me. She told me in a very matter of fact tone that she was sorry she had to push so hard, but that my left ovary is very high and if we want good pictures, that's what had to happen.

Okay. Breathe through the pain. We want good pictures, yes we surely do.

Too bad I still feel like that cooter cam rod is still pressing in on me, almost 12 hours later. And we get to repeat the fun again tomorrow!

Oh yeah, tomorrow. Can't believe the weekend is gone already. This whole 5 or 6 hours of sleep thing doesn't work well for me. I take my drugs at 10:30 each night and boy, was that decision a mistake! I thought it would work well, since I had a few after work things last week and was sure that I'd be home by 10:30, so chose that time. Nowadays, I would kill to be in bed well before 10:30 rolls around! Ah, the choices we make.

So now I'm home, tired as one can be, with a pain in my ovaries from the rod of doom and sore feet and shoulders from walking the Ex for a few hours today.

Is it 10:30 yet?

Whut the..

So yeah, that whole me taking cues from the clinic thing? It's still there, but harder than ever to hold on to after today.

E2? 1389. Barely went up by 300 units. Whut the whut? Sigh. It was 3327 at this time last cycle. That's a huge difference.

The people on the weekend (nurses, blood techs, ultrasound techs) are all different, so it's a whole new ball game. They don't know your chart, your veins, your ovaries like the during-the-week people do. But alas, they still convey their messages and today's nurse told me that sometimes this happens and people just shoot up quickly as they go.

Right.

So many disappointments along this road, why should I believe that things will be any different this time?

What makes this super hard was that this, of all things, was one element that I wasn't really concerned about. Progesterone? Sure. Being oversuppressed? Yep, worried about that too. But the progesterone we know how to fix and thanks to the baseline, we knew we weren't oversuppressed. I never dreamed I wouldn't respond in the same way as last cycle.

And here we are, on this slow but steady climb. I just don't have a clue as to whether or not we'll get to our final destination or not. It scares the crap outta me.

On the positive side, I did have some follicle growth today and it looks like those numbers closely mirror what I had last cycle. I can't find the little piece of paper that I wrote my numbers on - not smart! Guess I can get them tomorrow and just update all at once.

I just keep telling myself that tomorrow might be the day that everything spikes - that tomorrow I'll get the news and numbers I want and will breathe a deep and long (if temporary) sigh of relief.

I even went back to my superstitions of cycles past - I re-did my nails in OPI's La Paz-itively Hot. It's a fab bright pink but most importantly, it has the word positive in it. Kinda. Maybe if I can't always be positive, at least my nails will be.

So now it's off to the clinic again tomorrow morning. Yet again my alarm will go off at 5:30, I'll slip into the shower in my semi- conscious state, clean myself, slap on some clothes, and head on down the highway.

Let's just hope Timmy's actually has some decaf ready this time. No, I can't wait five minutes for it while I'm sitting in the drive thru. I gots places to be. A date with a needle and some stirrups.

Please let tomorrow be better.

Taking my cues from the clinic

The one thing I realized today is how much from last cycle I'd totally forgotten.

Yes, it's been a year, almost to the day, since we started our last fresh cycle. And now that we're right back into the swing of things, it's all coming back to me.

All the anxiety of waiting for blood work results. All the second guessing every number that's given to you. All the fear that things aren't where they 're supposed to be, that you're steps away from being cancelled.

I think my brain shut it all out and buried it deep, deep down.

And now it's back, with a vengeance.

Since yesterday's not so stellar E2 results, I've been in quite the funk. Knowing I had to wait until at least 1pm today to know where we stood was pretty much excruciating. I bawled my face off before finally drifting off to sleep last night. Poor Hubs had no idea of what to do or say, I was that despondent.

Stoopid hormones sure as hell don't help.

So back in early this morning for more blood work and ultrasound. We've got some follicle growth, but still not at the same level as last cycle. And that E2? Only 1063. It increased, which is of course important, but last cycle at this time it was over 2300.

Yeah.

I mentioned this to my nurse when she called and she told me to stop comparing things to last cycle, 'cause hey - that one didn't work.

Excellent point, I suppose.

I flat out asked her if they were worried and she said no, that the E2 was increasing as were the follicles and they're growing at a consistent rate, all of which is positive. That it's still early and there's lots of time to go still. That it's quality and not quantity that counts.

Since I've been through a cancelled cycle before and KNOW what it's like for them to be worried, I think I'm finally ready to take my cues from them.

And so today, I'm trying to chill out, recover from the stress of yesterday, and just hope that tomorrow, things look infinitely better.

Can't wait to get up at 5:30 tomorrow morning! And Sunday too! Lucky, lucky me.

Gettin' dicey

Have I mentioned how much of a freaking anxiety roller coaster this entire process is? 'Cause ya, it really sucks. Going in every day, holding your breath while they do the ultrasound, hoping there's lots to measure, then waiting, waiting, waiting to get that phone call with the blood work results.

Well, I just got today's call, and I'm not happy.

My E2 today is 737. In my last cycle on day 6, it was 1236. That's a pretty significant difference.

I realize it can pop up at any time, but I'm starting to feel really nervous. I'm remembering what it felt like to have a cycle cancelled (my E2 on my cancelled cycle day 6 was 616), and I really truly can't handle that right now.

I know I'm getting ahead of myself and deep down I'm hoping that all will be fine at tomorrow's update, that I will have caught up somehow, but my happy, secure blanket of tracking along with last cycle has been ripped away from me.

And I liked my blanket.

I need that blanket.

My LH is still fine so no need to start the orgalutran today. Anything that saves me $116 a day can't be a bad thing. But still...I'm so worried. So very, very worried.

So once again, have I mentioned lately that I hate this process?

The first stim check in

It's amazing how much you can forget in a year.

Truly.

I couldn't remember for the life of me what to expect this morning. Thank goodness I kept a spreadsheet for each IVF to track progress and see what's what!

So blindly in to the clinic I trundled this morning for my day 4 check up. Blood work, ultrasound, chat with the nurse. Rinse, lather, and repeat on days 6, 8 and so on.

Blood work? Check. Too bad I have a massive bruise now in the crook of my arm. I look like a druggie. Pfft - good thing they can't see my belly. It's way worse.

Ultrasound? Check. I love my u/s technician. I usually get the same one all the time - yep, the pregnant one. But I'll forgive her - she had to go through ART to get pregnant as well, so I can deal. It was pretty quick this morning which of course scared the crap outta me. Quick means not much to measure which means not much happening which means not enough meds.

In my twisted world, anyway.

I had to laugh when she said she could do my u/s with her eyes closed, that's how well she knows my insides now. In another universe I'd think that was creepy as hell. But in the here and now, I think it's awesome.

Chat with the nurse? Denied. She wasn't there. So I got my results straight from Dr. H instead! That was certainly a nice surprise.

In a nutshell, he said that everything looked perfect for where we should be right now, nice and quiet. I instantly felt my stress over not enough to measure melt away. He said we'd need to wait for the blood work and that we hope things are moving as they should. I crossed my fingers, said thanks, and left the office.

Just got my call and the numbers seem to be good. Estrogen's at 550 so that's a start, and there's no change to my meds so they must be satisfied. I'll take my cues from them - seems logical to me. And my estrogen's a wee bit higher than it was on my last cycle day 4, so that's always good news to me.

Bottom line - slow and steady wins the race. So far, so good. And now we wait for day 6.

Needle days one through three

So yes, I started stabbing myself Saturday night. Apologies for the absence, but it's been a busy few days. The weekend saw me celebrating my 36th birthday (yes, pretty much all weekend long - I'm spoiled like that) then yesterday I had the most debilitating headache all day I could barely put a sentence together.

Coming off caffeine sucks. Especially when you can't take Advil. Boo.

All in all, the shots are going well. Gonal F I'm very used to, so that was a no brainer. Anything in a pen is super easy to work with anyway. The menopur, on the other hand, gave me a bit of trouble on Saturday night as I tried to mix it, hopped up on sushi and cake.

For whatever reason, the needle wouldn't draw back the diluent properly. Just wouldn't. Tried over and over again until finally we made it work. Hubs had left the house at this point to drive his niece home, so it was me, my SIL and a good friend trying to figure all this crap out. Good times.

As I said, we finally got it working, and my first jabs were only two minutes late. Not too shabby.

But yes, the Menopur burns like a mofo.

That's right, I said it.

And that needle isn't short, either.

Never a dull moment.

Sunday's shots were much easier to mix and took a lot less time, thankfully. But I still felt the full burn.

Yesterday I returned to work after my busy but fun filled weekend and tried to get back into the grind. My large decaf two milk one and a half sweetener just didn't cut it, and I spent the remainder of the day both hunting down Tylenol from my office mates (finally found some) and subsequently trying to recover from said headache. A wee nap on the train home seemed to help a bit - as did a half caf latte from Starbucks. I figured a bit of caffeine won't kill me at this point, and in fact will make me feel better. So I went with it.

Last night Hubs and I went to my sister's place to babysit her kids while she and her hubby went out for dinner and to a movie to celebrate their anniversary. Yet again, it was both wonderful and heartbreaking for me to witness just how good Hubs is with kids. They totally love him and fall for his goofiness all the time. How I so desperately want to be able to see him interact that way with a child of our own...sigh...

We finally got home just after 10pm. Just enough time for a quick email check then it was off to bed. Had to catch the early train to the clinic in the morning, and bed was singing its siren song.

It was good.