I wonder if straightjackets come in pink?

Day 5. Another day where nothing happens. Just waiting. And more drug taking. And hoping that there will be a nice spike in my E2 tomorrow.

I'm starting to get a really bad - and sadly, really familiar - feeling about all this.

I barely know why I hope for the best anymore. My motto in everything has always been 'hope for the best and prepare for the worst', which is insanely appropriate in infertility land. I'm very, very good at preparing for the worst because let's face it - it's what I've lived. Over and over again. And yet somehow I still cling to the faintest of hope and more often than not I'm just left disappointed and asking myself why did I even bother to hope? Again?

Man, would I love nothing more than to be wrong. To have egg on my face and come back tomorrow and post, 'sorry guys. False alarm. All is well, number jumped nicely today after all,' when I just can't see it happening. Because truly, it just doesn't happen for me. Like, ever. So why should this time be any different?

Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result? Shouldn't I be bound up in a straightjacket, rocking back and forth in the corner of my very own padded room by now!?

Sorry - just feeling a little woe is me, that's all. I feel like we've just been at this enough, it's time to get fucking pregnant and be done with it. It's my turn, dammit. And I'm sick of waiting for it.

Even the nurse in the fertility clinic commented on it the other day whilst I snapped a picture of the funky new coat rack that I'd been advocating for for years. I told her I knew it was kinda offbeat to be snapping pictures of a coat rack, and she said, 'you're turning weird. We need to get you pregnant and out of here already!'

So true. So freakin true. Now if only she could make it happen.

So here's hoping my levels increase tomorrow, and if they don't, that Dr. H. agrees to up my dosage and give that a try. I just don't know how I would take getting cancelled - and trying to find an additional $2000 to re-buy the Gonal F we were generously given to start yet another cycle if this one goes tits up.

I hate being nervous about all this. Hate having my hopes dashed against the rocks of reality over and over again. I just feel like we deserve a break, finally, ya know?

Sigh.

Off to do my shot.