Tuesday, September 15, 2009

From hope to this


The two week wait sucks. No matter how you slice it, two weeks is a long time. Especially when you've been used to getting your information on a daily basis - all of the sudden you get to transfer and you're cast adrift with no appointments, no phone calls, no nothing for two.whole.weeks.

Well, unless you're me. Then you get your progesterone tested seven days post transfer, but still. Even a week's a long time.

That first week is something like sweet bliss. You actually revel in being able to sleep in that little bit longer because there are no appointments. You don't jump like a crazy person every time the phone rings because you're not waiting for those daily results. And you float along on a bubble of hope that this time, yes this time, things might just work.

You are safe and secure in that bubble because you can't test during that time - it's really too early, and any result you get is likely still the trigger shot. So you bobble along, dreaming of baby showers and what the nursery will look like...you smile at other pregnant women, thinking you'll soon be joining the ranks of the swollen bellied, and everything is just plain good.

Then week two hits.

All of the sudden, it's okay to think about testing. You madly scan all the posts you can find on every message board you've become a member of, looking for stories of who peed when and got what result. And as the days go by and you realize that you're past the point of where so many others got their BFP if they got one at all, you start to panic.

It is this panic that lead me to pee on a stick last night. And this morning. And it's the results of those tests - both negative - that have sent me on an emotional downward spiral today.

Everyone keeps telling me it's still early. That there's still lots of time. That I'm not out, that there's still a chance. And yes, they're technically correct. But I can't get the feeling that if it had worked something would have shown up by now out of my head.

I think of all the symptoms I had the one time I actually was pregnant. The food aversion, the intense sleepiness, the round ligament pain. I haven't had any of it - ANY - this time around. People will again tell me that no two pregnancies are the same and you won't necessarily have the same symptoms. But even one would be reassuring - and I have none.

And I noticed today my boobs don't hurt anymore. Given how sore they've been in the past, that can't be a good thing. It just can't.

With my last pregnancy, my First Response test picked up my hCG when it was only 7. Seven! Yes, they're super sensitive, which only reaffirms my thoughts that if something was actually happening, it would show up. It just would.

And it hasn't.

I'm so sad, I just can't stop crying. I'm sitting at my desk at work and I'm a mess. My boss has been great - keeping people out and just giving me my space, but I can't stop. I feel like I'm in a fishbowl and everyone who passes by looks inside to see what's going on because my door is closed. That never happens around here, so people feel the need to look. And so I get all of these sad looks and platitudes - all very well meant, this I know for sure - and I just want to crawl into a hole and shut out the world.

And to add insult to injury, I'm surrounded by pregnant women. I work in the same building as Mt Sinai's OB/GYN department, so there are bellies everywhere. I had two of them in my elevator coming up to work today. I had to bite the inside of my cheeks to keep from bawling on the spot. I barely made it to the safety of my office before the tears started flowing. And I just can't get them to stop, an hour and a half later.

I have no idea why I even allowed myself to hope that this time might have been it. Shouldn't I know better by now? Hasn't almost five years of negatives and tears taught me nothing? Deep down I've always felt like I'm destined to be that person that things just never work out for. And it's increasingly looking like I was right.

Don't get me wrong - I'll be the first to admit that my behaviour has been idiotic should, for whatever reason, things turn out more positively in the end. But from where I sit, I just can't see it happening.

I have no idea where to go or what to do after this if Monday's beta is indeed negative. We're out of options. Out of money. At the end of the road. We have two embryos left from our earlier cycle, but there the bottom of that cycle's barrel, and we know that our embryos don't thaw well - or take, for that matter. So unless we win the lottery, we may very well be at the end of this long and sad journey.

And that breaks my heart. Just when I thought it couldn't break anymore.

32 comments:

Nathalie A. said...

I'm so sorry you are feeling so down Shannon. Please, please don't give up hope yet. You have so many people rooting for you guys and sending you tons of sticky bean vibes. Thinking of you... xo

CHAR on September 15, 2009 at 8:19 AM said...

Oh sweetie...no words just HUGS (()))

merium on September 15, 2009 at 8:47 AM said...

I'm sorry~thinking of you and sending HUGE hugs and a shoulder to cry on....

Kelly on September 15, 2009 at 9:25 AM said...

I'm Golden on WB, so I got curious and decided to follow your blog. I'm so sorry for what you are going through right now. Sending lots of well wishes and I hope this turns out differently than you think it will.

I know what you mean about always feeling deep down that you're that person that nothing ever works out for. I feel like that too. ((((hugs))))

Catherine said...

Thanks for sharing your blog with me...I have read it from beginning to end, with many tears along the way. Praying for you and your hubby and hoping for the positive outcome you are dreaming of.

Anonymous said...

I just want to hug you. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this today. I really hope it's just too early for you guys still, but I understand the pain of seeing that BFN when you're sure it should be positive already. As someone who's gone through a few pregnancies and subsequent losses I can definitely tell you that no two pregnancies are alike, and it is also possible to be pregnant with absolutely no symptoms (seriously!) and a late BFP.

Spacey on September 15, 2009 at 9:51 AM said...

((hugs)) I know I said this, but no 2 pregnancies are alike, hence the sympthoms are different too and show up at different times. It's still early and I strongly hope that you'll get a wonderful BFP surprise. Don't give up.((hugs))

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you, Diva! Hang in there sweetie. Coffebean

Anonymous said...

I know how you feel. Especially the not being able to stop crying bit. How fantastic if it were to turn around! I hope so. GF xx

Anonymous said...

Lots of HUGS. I still have my fingers tightly crossed and lots of hope for you. UNICORN

Kristyne on September 15, 2009 at 11:32 AM said...

I will continue to think good thoughts for you... Hoping for a positive outcome. *hugs*

Lady Aurora on September 15, 2009 at 12:40 PM said...

Don't give up. Lots of hugs to you, but don't give up on yourself. I'm still crossing my fingers for you.

Pauline on September 15, 2009 at 1:26 PM said...

Sweetie. I keep checking keep hoping, keep cheering you on. I send you lots of hugs, lots of love. I wish I could just wrap you up, hold you and send you the BFP you need.

I'm still here, cheering, wishing and rooting for you and DH. Please hang in there.

mandylee4christ on September 15, 2009 at 4:44 PM said...

I am so sorry you are going through this disappointment again Shannon. Sending lots of hugs to you tonight..

Kristina on September 15, 2009 at 5:04 PM said...

*hugs* I'm thinking about you, Shannon and hoping that everything turns out fine! I'm cheering you on and hoping you have a surprise awaiting you later this week. Take care!

Kate on September 15, 2009 at 5:10 PM said...

You're really only 10dpo at 7dp3dt. I think there still could be hope. And I also had no symptoms. You're making me even more glad that I didn't POAS during my 2ww. I could worry about what was going on, but I didn't truly know one way or the other, and I just wanted to keep the hope alive a little longer.
I hope you end up getting your BFP next Monday!

Janny said...

Lots of hugs and good thoughts and whatever else you need right now... My heart is just breaking for you guys and I'm hoping SO BAD that you get a BFP next week, you have no idea.
Lots of love to you guys!!

Anonymous said...

Hang in there. I'm another of those gals that had no symptoms at all after my transfer. Chin up, girl. Hugs.

HamiHarri on September 16, 2009 at 9:35 AM said...

I'm holdi g out hope for you!!! FX!

~e on September 16, 2009 at 11:00 AM said...

I wish I could give you a great big hug in person. You are in my prayers, stick little ones!

ManitobaFarmGirl on September 16, 2009 at 11:03 AM said...

I'm hoping for you in Northern MB. Hugs.

Marlene on September 16, 2009 at 12:37 PM said...

Keeping you in my thoughts this week and continuing to hope for the best. You deserve to be happy. Sending strength as you go through the motions for now. {big hugs}

Anonymous said...

I'm always thinking of you, Shannon, and I am hoping beyond hope that you do get your BFP. I'm going to continue to think positive thoughts and send them your way. Tapestry

Chloebelle said...

Hoping you are worried over nothing and this time next week you will be over the moon happy!

Anonymous said...

Aww...I'm thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you and sending you all the sticky vibes I can. ~AnytimeNow

Anonymous said...

I am thinking about you! I am unfamiliar with the testing stages/pregnancy as a whole but if you were told 2 weeks then try to be patient for those 2 weeks! I barely hug people I know but if we were to meet today you would definitely be getting one.

Anonymous said...

I'm thinking about you everyday. I know the desperate place you must be in and my heart breaks because I know that place too.

Love and hugs to you.
Poppy

Anonymous said...

If we could do something you help you, I think everyone here would do it in a second. We're pulling for you, crossing everything, searching for 4-leaf clovers and genies in a bottle.

Life sucks. But at least we all know life sucks and can be miserable together!

Much love,
MMK

PS. You should flash all those peepers at work. If they're gonna look, they might as well get a surprise!!

Anonymous said...

Hang in there. I'll be keeping up positive thoughts for you for as long as you need them.
HUGS.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you, I hope on Monday you get the results you are hoping for.
Atsea

grimeysgal on September 19, 2009 at 4:38 PM said...

Thinking of you this weekend and hoping for the best results possible for you on Monday.
Hugs,
Lyne

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