The time has come! Or is coming, anyway...

It's almost trigger time....wooooohooooo!!!!

E2 up to 4849, which is a full 1500 more than this day last cycle. Hells to the yeah baby, I think we've finally found something that actually works for me. No suppression and my body starts to respond.

And what's crazier? My LH is 11 today. 11! Naturally! This may not seem like a big deal but to me it's INSANE! My LH has never gone above 4 without a trigger shot, so it's great to see that finally this bod has figured things out a bit more. I assume that the LH in the Bravelle has something to do with it but who cares! I'll take it, any way it comes.

So. More stims tonight. Same dosage, 300 Gonal F (so thanks again Kate - first T&F's Gonal saved me a fortune, now yours since we're stimming for much longer than even I thought possible!) and 150 Bravelle. Then I'm to trigger tomorrow morning while at the clinic, waiting for hubs to do his thing. Then we'll do the IUI tomorrow and Thursday which is great, 'cause those are Hubs' two days off this week. Much better than him having to race in and out, just to show up for work late and be stressed the whole time. Relief.

Only wrinkle is that I'm going to see Miss Saigon tonight. Yes, I realize that's a strange wrinkle, but I'm going to be in a theatre downtown tonight. Right at the very time that I'm supposed to take my drugs. And guess where my drugs are?

Yep, 60kms away, in my fridge.

D'oh.

Once I realized this I called the nurse back right away. She isn't overly concerned - it'll likely only be two hours later than usual and since everything is nicely on track it shouldn't really harm anything. Phew! Otherwise can you imagine? Hubs was going to have to pick them up at home once he finished his 12 hour day at 8pm, then drive them downtown for me and I'd have to run out of the show to get them. How messed up would that have been?

Fortunately it's all moot now, and I'll just shoot up when I get home. As the nurse said, 'just don't stand around and chat when it's over and you should be okay.' Hehe. Got it.

So we're in the home stretch. Now I can just relax a bit, enjoy my yummy dinner out with friends, a musical I've been waiting decades to see, and know that it's all over but the inseminating.

Let's just hope this is finally it!

My first 'woot' this cycle

Things appear to be looking up a bit.

So, yesterday's E2 numbers were 2203. A 1,000 jump from Friday to Sunday. Not stellar, but at least progress in the right direction.

And then, magically, today things got even better. An overnight jump of over 1,100 - we're at 3,319 today. Oh yeah. Sweet relief.

What makes me feel even better is that this is officially a higher number than the similar day of our last IVF cycle - and that number was in service of a much greater quantity of follicles (17 then versus 9 now). Which leads me to believe that these eggs will be of better quality, thus leading to increased chances for success.

So yeah. Today I woot.

My LH has creeped up to 6. Har. A huge whopping 6. That's the highest I've ever seen it go naturally. I set a new record today! But we're holding on, keeping orgalutran out of the picture, and stimming for another night, all of us confident in the fact that I'm not going to spontaneously ovulate without the suppression. Besides, I'm pretty sure this is the one thing that's keeping my estrogen climbing, not throwing in a suppressant, so I'm all for it.

Dr. H did mention that my lead follicle will likely start breaking down because it's just too big now, and that's okay - there are still lots to work with. That might cause my E2 to dip a bit, so he warned me in advance that's what might happen and that I shouldn't freak out. ;) So I guess we shall see!

Trigger will either be tomorrow night or Wednesday I'd think, but he's not making any promises - this really is a day by day situation now. And I'm okay with that.

He also asked for information on how things went off the rails yesterday because he wants to give the doctor some feedback. Good. That was not cool!

As a total aside, the ultrasounds are getting quite uncomfortable these days, I must say. My left ovary is high so they really have to poke and press - good times. But what I can't stand, what makes it worse than it really needs to be, is when somehow one solitary hair gets pulled the wrong way and is dragged along with the probe, tugging on some seriously sensitive skin. And instead of just breaking off or being pulled out it hangs on for dear life to cause you extra waves of discomfort. The poor technician looks at you and asks if you're okay and you have no real choice but to tell her all is well 'cause really, how do you spit out, 'you've snagged a pube' without incident?

You don't. You just don't. So you suffer. And, as always, just wait for it all to be over.

Ah, the hidden gems of infertility. What the fertiles just don't get to experience. Their loss, really.

Communications fail

Not really much to say - I have no new information since Friday.

Buggah.

So yeah, not all that unexpected for yesterday...I had the day off from the clinic and got to sleep in. Twas fabulous. Then I drove into Toronto to pick up Kate's extra Gonal F - total lifesaver - then had a wonderful night in with the girls. We all cleared out around 11 which was good, 'cause I had to be up at 6am to head to the clinic. Goodie.

Down I went - no traffic, which I adored. Got free parking on the street in front, life was good. Ultrasound was mega painful - when everything's all in one ovary, by this time in the cycle that ovary gets quite tender. Yeesh!

Long story short, I ended up speaking with a doctor that was there for the day and she apparently told the nurse that I didn't need a call today - so I didn't get one. Ooooooh boy. Not cool.

I had practically strapped my cell phone to my hand waiting for that call and when 4pm rolled around, I pretty much broke down. No one answers the phone there, of course, so I emailed Dr. H. He thankfully got back to me relatively quickly and explained the mix up, but of course didn't have any numbers. So now I go back in tomorrow and cross my fingers for a nice big jump.

What a pain in the arse. At least the rest of the regular gang are in tomorrow!

Hopefully I'll be back shortly with much more info!

Hangin on

Barely, but we're still in this.

Drove down to the clinic today because I knew I was going to have my endometrial biopsy at some point. Perhaps you can imagine how you might feel after having a wire brush inserted through your cervix, then swirled around your uterus to rough it up a bit, all in the hopes of making implantation that much more effective.

Yeah, good times. White hot pain. Short, but there. Uncomfortable as hell. And certainly not made better by the nasty cooter cam ultrasound that pokes your now very full left ovary time after time after time. And oh yeah, Dr. H also had to use some kind of tongs to reach in and 'hold' my cervix since it wasn't cooperating.

I hurt today. A lot.

For whatever reason, I find that the general discomfort when stimming is much higher now than in has ever been. No clue why, just lucky I guess. And this is with far fewer eggs than I've recruited in the past. For whatever reason, it would appear that my right ovary is bound to remain dormant, and it looks like ALL viable follicles will come from my left side.

No pressure, leftie. Hang in there.

So when all was said and done it was thought best for me to just head straight home and chill. Work was great about it, which I very much appreciate, so I was back in my driveway (after a hair raisingly soggy drive home) by 10:30 or so. Ahhhhh.....

E2 went up to 1206 today. Still not stellar, but at this point, I'll take it. Tonight we add the 150 of bravelle to the 300 of Gonal F, and hope for the best. And then, get this, I get to sleep in tomorrow! No need to go to the clinic. They're not worried that my LH is going to surge, so I'm off the hook for a day. And couldn't be happier.

I will still drive into Toronto tomorrow at some point though to take a fellow Hannam IVFer and blog reader up on her very generous offer. You see, because things are slow to recruit he'd like me to stim for a few more days, and that means I need more Gonal F - which Kate has so kindly agreed to assist with. Yet again I'm nothing short of blown away by the generosity of my virtual friends. As cheesy as it sounds, it's taken a village to bring this cycle to fruition, and I thank you so much Kate for completing what T&F so graciously started where the drugs are concerned.

Dr. H has also decided that he might not go ahead with the orgalutron to suppress me and prevent me from ovulating before it's time because I simply don't surge on my own. Like, never. In all the cycles I've ever done, my LH has never gone above 4 without a trigger shot. And since the org can cause a temporary slowdown of the estrogen production, which I most certainly can't afford right now, we just might actually go through the entire cycle with no suppression. Dr. H said he had a similar situation with another patient who doesn't surge and, well, she's pregnant now.

I like the sound of that. :)

So there's today in a nutshell. Follies and their discomfort increasing, E2 making a slow but steady climb, new drugs to add to the mix, the incredible generosity of others who've been there, and a complete re-jigging of the protocol as we go.

And lookie there, my levels of hope are slowly starting to creep back up as well.

Thanks as always for the great thoughts!

Srsly?

833.

Eight hundred and thirty freakin three.

That's all my body could pump out today. I want to cry.

Trying to stay positive. Trying. It's very hard.

Same dosage of Gonal F tonight, then when I'm in for monitoring tomorrow they want to add 150IU of Bravelle to see if that will help. Awesome. More money. Love it. Can't wait.

I'm desperately trying to look on the bright side. I haven't stalled, and the number hasn't gone down. But surely the universe could do a bit better than this?

And to top it all off it looks like my right ovary is out of commission. I have a 1.5 cyst there and only one other follicle measuring 1.0 - which is what it's been for a few days. So I'm pretty much relying on my super high up left ovary - the one that hurts like a mofo during u/s when it starts to get full. I just keep trying to tell myself that I should be grateful this is not an IVF cycle, since my left ovary is notoriously hard to get to given its location. And yet still it's got seven follicles on the go, which can't be all bad.

How insane...my follicles are growing exactly the way they're supposed to but there's just no estrogen support. I just don't get it!

I guess we'll likely be stimming a bit longer and with more drugs. So Kate, if you're reading this I would like to take you up on your very generous offer - can you email me at jshtoronto@yahoo. ca so we can talk? Thanks so much.

Hopefully it will all turn out okay in the end, but getting there is certainly not the fun part of this journey.

Limbo is my middle name

Seriously, I'm headed down to formally change my name. I spend enough time in limbo, I might as well own it. Make it a formal part of me. Claim it. Run with it.

So yes, you guessed it...in limbo once more.

E2 today was 673.

Fuck.

Not low enough to cancel according to Dr. H. who called me himself. Ya know, it's never a good thing when he calls you personally; it just seems ominous. But I suppose it has to do with the fact that he and I had a little hallway chat as I was leaving this morning. The topic? Of course...my lagging estrogen.

He is once again stumped by my body. Says that this lack of response makes little sense. I've had no suppression whatsoever (we started on a random day when my levels were at day 3) and I haven't taken anything fertility related in almost a year. He just doesn't get it.

Well sir, that makes two of us.

We talked briefly about cancellation - the pros and cons. He knows that we don't have roll-around-on-the-bed piles of money to work with, so he's wonderfully cognizant of that as we discuss going forward.

But with this jump, he now wants to take things day by day. Which again, sounds so familiar - 'cause it's exactly what happened last time.

Last cycle on day 4 my E2 was 550. So higher than the 350 I had this cycle on day 4. But my day 6 last cycle was a mere 737, which is much closer to the 673 I got today, and we still ended up with seven mature eggs from that cycle.

Now I'm going to close my eyes and hope beyond hope that tomorrow's numbers jump that bit more - and maybe, just maybe, actually go a little higher than last cycle's day 7, which was 1063.

So if you're reading this, might you do me a wee favour? Can you visualize a number higher than that for me for tomorrow? I figure the more brains we get on this, the greater the chances of success. Kinda like all that The Secret mumbo jumbo; the power of positive thinking; if you think it, it will rise. You know. That stuff.

Please, please, please, universe. Be nice to me. It would be a welcome change.

I wonder if straightjackets come in pink?

Day 5. Another day where nothing happens. Just waiting. And more drug taking. And hoping that there will be a nice spike in my E2 tomorrow.

I'm starting to get a really bad - and sadly, really familiar - feeling about all this.

I barely know why I hope for the best anymore. My motto in everything has always been 'hope for the best and prepare for the worst', which is insanely appropriate in infertility land. I'm very, very good at preparing for the worst because let's face it - it's what I've lived. Over and over again. And yet somehow I still cling to the faintest of hope and more often than not I'm just left disappointed and asking myself why did I even bother to hope? Again?

Man, would I love nothing more than to be wrong. To have egg on my face and come back tomorrow and post, 'sorry guys. False alarm. All is well, number jumped nicely today after all,' when I just can't see it happening. Because truly, it just doesn't happen for me. Like, ever. So why should this time be any different?

Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result? Shouldn't I be bound up in a straightjacket, rocking back and forth in the corner of my very own padded room by now!?

Sorry - just feeling a little woe is me, that's all. I feel like we've just been at this enough, it's time to get fucking pregnant and be done with it. It's my turn, dammit. And I'm sick of waiting for it.

Even the nurse in the fertility clinic commented on it the other day whilst I snapped a picture of the funky new coat rack that I'd been advocating for for years. I told her I knew it was kinda offbeat to be snapping pictures of a coat rack, and she said, 'you're turning weird. We need to get you pregnant and out of here already!'

So true. So freakin true. Now if only she could make it happen.

So here's hoping my levels increase tomorrow, and if they don't, that Dr. H. agrees to up my dosage and give that a try. I just don't know how I would take getting cancelled - and trying to find an additional $2000 to re-buy the Gonal F we were generously given to start yet another cycle if this one goes tits up.

I hate being nervous about all this. Hate having my hopes dashed against the rocks of reality over and over again. I just feel like we deserve a break, finally, ya know?

Sigh.

Off to do my shot.