A 2015 update

So yeaaaah, it's been forever since I posted in here, mostly because we're done. 

I've got a new blog now, one that touches on everything and anything that happens in my life, and if you're so inclined you can find an update on our situation and how life is now via this post:

http://shanburbia.blogspot.ca/2015/05/life-after-infertility.html

Thanks for checking in!

Oh solace, where art thou?

I haven't posted here in eight months. Why? We haven't been cycling. Not actively trying. Doing nothing. And so nothing's happened.

We've had review appointments and discussions about what might be next. We've talked about whether it's time to stop altogether or whether we give it one more go. We've heard the doctor tell us that it's still a mystery why last time didn't work - why seven good eggs and 80 million great sperm didn't make even one measly embryo that could get where it needed to go and stay there.

And in the meantime, nothing about the way I feel about this constant failure has changed.

Every day I tell myself that it's getting better. That I am starting to come around to the concept of living a childless existence. That there are benefits I should grab on to (and hold on to) with all my might - the ability to sleep in, go away for a weekend, have extra money for ourselves, not have to race against the clock for day care pick up, the general lack of shit and puke...

...but it's not enough.

It doesn't sustain me for long. And once again, I'm lost. Cast adrift. Caught in this horrible place between people who have a family and, well...

...me.

One by one, people who I've come to know and love through this struggle are actually realizing their dreams. They're finally pregnant or have that dream child after years of pain, loss and heartache.

But I'm still here. Watching from the sidelines. Wishing so desperately that it would at long last be my turn to join them. Deliriously happy for them, and bone crushingly sad to be left behind.

Because truly, there aren't a lot of people still with me. Which only reinforces my notion that I'm destined to be on this side of the statistics for all time. 'Cause hey, with everyone else getting to the other side of infertility, someone has to be on that 'it just never happened' side. And here I sit.

I want to try again. So badly. I'd try again a thousand times over if the funds were there. But they're just not. And time is increasingly slipping away from me as well. I'll be 38 this August, and since I've seen my overall ability to respond to meds and produce eggs do nothing but decrease over time, how much worse will it be this go around if we do decide to move forward? Are we just throwing money away because I can't wrap my brain around the fact that kids were not meant to be a part of my life?

But how can I just surrender to a universe so fucked up and unfair as to create this reality for me?

All my life, if I wanted something I went for it, and I got it. I put the effort in. I worked hard. I was dedicated. I could make things happen. I would get what I want.

But this time - nope. All the tries in the world have left me with nothing but debt and the memories of a miscarriage that will never leave me. How cruel, to be tortured with the possibility of success, to see that elusive second pink line, just to have it all be ripped away from us weeks later? To see the flicker of a little heartbeat on an ultrasound screen and know that that child would never come to be? That that was as close as I would ever get to being a parent?

And how cruel that when I finally saw that stick turn pink I had less than 24 hours to enjoy the thought of being pregnant? Yup, got my positive test at 7pm and started spotting the next morning at 9am. Had blood work done at 11am that told me the pregnancy was in jeopardy, and things just went downhill from there.

14 hours. In almost seven years of trying, countless cycles, well over $40,000 invested, I got a mere 14 hours of joy.

In case you can't tell, I'm feeling very sorry for myself right now. ;) I'm sitting here at home, alone, bawling my eyes out, and I wish I could say this was a rare occurrence. But with each day that passes, each day I waffle about whether we're done or we have one more try, my grief at what it seems we'll never have only swells. Which sucks, 'cause I'd really rather hoped it would be the reverse...that time would grant me the permission I seem to need to find a peace out of all of this.

But there's no peace. No solace. Just tears and a heavy, fragile, empty heart.

I just want to find a way back to okay. To be happy. To find joy. To not shudder when I hear someone announce that they're pregnant. To not feel the evil stabs of jealousy just from being around people and their children. To find a way to finally come to terms with what seems like an inevitability for me.

But I don't know how. I can't see it. And to make matters worse, what if trying (and failing) again this summer just pushes me further away from okay than I already am? Should I even go into a cycle, possibly our last, with such a defeatist attitude?

But how can I not when failure is all I know?

'Cause let's face it, 14 hours of unadulterated joy ain't nearly enough to poke holes in the darkness that is almost seven years of failure.

Cathartic yet exceedingly self indulgent post over.

The more things change...

...the more they stay the same.

Negative beta today.

Not really much more to say than that, is there.

Not much of a surprise, as I'm sure you might have surmised from my last post. I knew it was coming, so the phone call was just the final nail in the coffin.

Now I wait for them to call and set up a review appointment, and we figure out what, if anything, we can do going forward.

This sucks. I was so hopeful that this was finally, finally it for us.

But nope. No April baby in our future.

Sigh.

Thanks again for all the support over the past many weeks. Sorry I don't have better news to share.

This all seems so familiar...

So here we are, 12dpo, and nothing but negatives. Using FRER's and everything - not a hint of that elusive second pink line.

I'm pretty much crushed. I had thrust so much hope into this cycle I'm practically crumbling under the weight of it all. I know that once Thursday's beta comes and the result is what I've heard time and time again it's going to be funk city, population me, for a good, long time.

And just when I thought things were going to be different. I actually woke up on the night of 8dpo and was sick to my stomach. Not usually something you'd celebrate, but since no one else was sick and everyone else ate the exact same thing as me (we'd been at a wedding) I, sadly, took it as 'a sign'. And the hope balloon inflated a little bit more.

When it was negative at 10dpo I was okay. I knew it was early and there was still a chance. But when it was negative at 11dpo I burst into tears. I've just been there so many times before, ya know? And the feelings all came rushing back to me, so vividly. And it's all I can do to keep myself together at work.

Fuck.

So there's my sorry little update. I wish, more than anything else on this planet, that I had better news. But alas, twas apparently not now nor ever, meant to be.

Ten days is a long time

I'd forgotten just how long ten days can be.

When you're doing IVF, you can usually do a home test about a week after transfer. So things get broken up and while you're waiting just as long, you can trick yourself into believing otherwise.

Not so with an IUI. It's still ten days after the procedure that you can pee on something with any degree of reliability. Oh sure, I could pee now and probably get a positive since it's been 6 days since the trigger shot but it would be just that - the trigger, and nothing real. So I'll hold off for those ten days and decide what I want to do from there.

I know I've said this before, but the first week is full of promise and hope. You can't test anyway, so you don't fret it. Things are possible, man! This actually might work! And this time it's no exception.

Now that the UTI finally cleared and the insane bloat/pressure feeling that hung around until Sunday is gone, the only reminder that I'm even in this game is the daily progesterone shots. Which, I will say, are torture this time around.

This is cycle number five of progesterone in oil shots. They get jabbed into the muscle of your upper butt (for lack of a better description) - and they hurt. 'Cause guess what? Oil ain't thin. I can feel it all squeezing in. And it's not fun.

I feel like I have scar tissue from all the cycles before this one and yeouch - it's hurt before, but never this badly. I know I shouldn't complain because this could be the last piece of the puzzle that gets us to our heretofore elusive happy ending - an actual baby - but for right now it's, literally, a pain in the ass.

That's about it for now. I'm trying to remain calm, happy to be feeling better overall, and am trying to tell myself that it's okay to be hopeful. That this time it actually might be different. That Hubs' insanely positive feelings about this cycle might be worth something. That this is finally the end of the road for us - for the best possible reason.

And now we wait

IUI number two is also on the books. Now, we just wait. Two weeks, and we'll know whether it all worked.

Numbers seem to be doing what they're supposed to. E2 dropped a bit to 5,500 which is expected, LH is only 4 which would mean I've surged, and progesterone rose from 7 to 17 which is also a good indication of ovulation. All good.

Today saw 20 million spermies at 98% motility injected to the left side of my uterus to join their 24 hour old counterparts of yesterday. 80 million sperm, 7 eggs. Here's hoping just one finds one and makes magic.

Hubs and I grabbed some lunch after the IUI then headed back out towards home. I started feeling quite crampy mid afternoon, and the continued feeling of needing to pee that I've been dealing with for the past few days has only intensified. Add to the fact that I believe I've now got blood in my urine (no fun to wipe and see pink!!) and I'm pretty sure I've got a UTI.

Fuck.

Not fair, just not fair!

As if the cramping wasn't bad enough (not complaining though - if it means something's happening I'm all for it!) now the constant need to pee with almost no relief is killer! Bah.

I've emailed Dr. H to see if he could call something in for me on the advice of a friend who's a GP so now, more waiting! Hopefully he'll be able to help me out tonight but if not I'll be off to the doctor tomorrow. Not sure how as hubs is working from 8-8, but I'll figure that out tomorrow.

Now I just need to sleep and take it easy and hopefully start to feel all around better!

Thanks again for all the support over the past few weeks. I'll be holding off until at least 10dpo to test so I'm going to try to enjoy this 'everything is possible' feeling for as long as I can. :)

One down...

...60 million on the go!

So yes, IUI number one is officially on the books. E2 was a lovely 5663 and my LH was 14. Can you believe that? And this was all pre-trigger, not that it impacts LH, but still. I was a happy girl this morning. Looking forward to seeing what tomorrow's numbers are, just for fun.

Had a great night out last night with the gals. It was wonderful as always to see Janny and meet her hubby and we had a great meal at Big Daddy's. Then it was off to see Miss Saigon, the one show left on my Broadway bucket list. It meant a late night and some scrambling to get my drugs in once I got home at 11:20, but it all worked out.

Of course as tired as I was I couldn't sleep, and we had to get up at 5am in an effort to beat the traffic in.

Awesome.

So yeah, I'm really quite tired today.

I had my u/s and blood work, Hubs did his thing, I took my trigger shot at the clinic, and then we had a quick breakfast together before he dropped me off at work. Four short hours I was back at the clinic, bladder bursting, waiting for it all to go down.

Oy my bladder. I love that they do ultrasound guided IUI's - 'tis very cool to see the rush of white across the ultrasound screen as they're all let go. I exclaimed 'release the hounds!' as they streamed towards the left. And yes, the catheter was pointed exclusively to the left as nothing ever developed on the right. And then it was over.

Dr. H and I chatted a bit and we're both very happy with how the cycle has gone over all. We got the results we were hoping for, and he's expecting 7 mature eggs from this cycle - exactly what I got from my last IVF.

He now suspects very strongly that I also have endometriosis to contend with because there's no real reason for my right, my dominant ovary, to not respond. He thinks the blood supply is choked off by endo. He also thinks it might be the reason my left ovary is so high - scar tissue pushing it up out of the way. So there's obviously much more to my issues than just the PCOS thing. But here's hoping that's all moot in a few weeks.

So there we go! One more meeting from 3-4 to get through, then I get to go home and rest. Back for IUI number two tomorrow - another 5am morning for blood work and ultrasound and sample giving. Hubs is going to hang around downtown for those few hours while I go to a team meeting at work, then pick me up for 11. We'll make our way to the clinic so he can actually be with me for at least one actual insemination, then we'll head home together and I'll take that afternoon and Friday off to just relax, sleep, and hopefully create a comfy place for a guest or two.